How to Get Away with Hardly Working at Work
It's one of those days. You've woken up late. You've been scrolling meaninglessly through your socials until 3am the night before for reasons that seemed crucial at the time, such as that one Euphoria inspired make up tutorial. Vital information, I get it girl.
Now, as you face the grim reality of Microsoft Office, and the inevitable email from a Karen type in HR that looms like the iceberg ready to hit the Titanic, the only thought racing through your mind is, I can't be arsed. Maybe it was that late night, or maybe it's the one colleague who seems to have a never-ending monologue prepared for the morning about her life, every day without fail. Or it may be simply that you just don't have the motivation. All those Boss Babe and Baddie soundtracks you play at the gym just haven't done the trick this Monday morning.
So, here's how to get away with hardly working when all you want to do is go home and lounge around like a pampered cat, Friends on repeat with a glass of Pinot, or hard beer, or whatever your fancy is. We all need a lazy day every now and again, let's not beat ourselves up folks. Let's indulge the inner SlugBabeTM on Miserable Bitch Mondays.
1) A Lazy Girl Is Only As Good As Her Lazy Boss
We've all had jobs where the head honcho is the kind of person not out of place on the set of The Walking Dead. Their gremlin like appearance a true reflection of their personalities, always lurking in the corners of the office like a bad fart. No matter where you go, you feel their eyes on you and know in your bones you'll return to your desk to a berating Teams message over something you've done wrong. FYI, replying with a passive aggressive thumbs up emoji is the most effective way at telling your boss to stick their message up their arse, without being suspected of having a bad attitude. Or, if you're feeling especially contrary, a simple 'OK' will really rock the boat.
However, just because someone is a boss does not mean they are competent. I believe it is our duty to exploit that. Befriending the Lazy Boss can lead to endless benefits. Once you have established a friendly connection with a lazy boss, they are less likely to zero in on your many flaws. Likeability is the true currency of a modern-day office setting. Get your boss to like you, and you, dear reader, will be able to reach for your lazy day stars.
2) Lengthy Lunch Breaks
This is the most obvious of time-wasting tricks, but also the hardest to detect. You have an hour break. One whole hour without pay where you can be anything you want; do anything you want! You could meet the man of your dreams in the coffee shop by your office, you could nip to the shop to buy that 'going out out' dress you swear to yourself you will fit into. Anything is possible, so why not exploit this freedom?
Why not take two 30-minute breaks instead? Say you leave for your first at 10:25, and return at 11:05. You've stretched the boundaries of your half an hour break. You feel invincible. You return to your desk and look your boss dead in the eye daring them to say anything. But they won't, you know they won't. This is too little time to be chastised for. They won't say a word. Enjoy the smug pride of that extra 10 minutes you squeezed out of the company. Do that for your next break, and there's another half an hour. It is up to you how far you dare to lengthen your time off. It may be a dangerous risk, but one worth taking.
3) All Desks Lead To Rome
Desk placement is integral in a time waster's arsenal. If your desk is in an alcove facing your supervisor, you're basically winning at life. A hidden desktop is like an Aladdin's Cave of wonders. If you are one of the lucky few, then load up YouTube, scroll through ASOS, or if you're feeling whimsical, watch a documentary on the Black Death of 1346. You're not wasting time if you're technically learning, right? Say this to convince yourself when you've wondered onto a quiz named 'What Celebrity Am I Based On My Baked Good Preferences?' And yes, we've all done them.
So, ask your boss, or coerce your colleagues into moving to a seat more preferable to your lazy needs. Maybe ask that you'd like to sit by the window in the sun, as you get 'too cold' in the office - that old chestnut.
You may be crippled however, be the URL Blocked error screen. God forbid if this is your luck. It looms like an ever-present cock block for which we all must inevitably face.
4) The Email Shuffle
Work emails are not a girl's best friend. When one pops up, I'm sure our hearts sink in unison at yet more demands for our half-hearted time. The urge to reply 'Yes, your email does indeed find me well, but it has left me a shell of the person I was'. Sometimes, you just don't want to reply to an email marked URGENT. Surely, it can't be as important as they describe?
Reply with a simple 'I will look into this urgently for you and get back to you ASAP'. Little do they know; ASAP actually stands for Ask Someone else And Piss off. But they don't need to know that. This will get those pesky URGENT tasks off your back, and you can go back to moving emails into different folders, watching the numbers filter down pleasantly. It can't be so urgent if it's out of sight and out of mind, right? At least you can tell yourself that until your next burst of motivation.
5) Tea Total Never Felt So Good
Wouldn't we all love to drink a nice gin and tonic at our desks? Or sip a WooHoo with a little umbrella straw? Unfortunately, this behaviour doesn't fly in the modern-day workplace. Unless, of course, where you work is Thailand as a Tour Guide, or you're having a 'works-based' party during a national lockdown and your name is Boris Johnson. Political humour, who doesn't love it?
Therefore, all we have to drink is our hourly tea breaks that seem to be the only hopeful light in what is a grim, seemingly never-ending work day. The walk to the kettle feels like such a treat, such is the nature of the world of work. Drag out this brief reprieve with the most elaborate tea making process known to man. I'm talking sophisticated tea bag rituals, sweeteners, even filters. Loose control over your cuppa. Before you know it, you may have killed five minutes.
6) Toilet Fun
The oldest trick in the book. If you're just not in the mood for those idle weekend plans conversations, and the constant nay, nay a thousand times nay, I do not have plans this weekend, hide out in the office's bunker - the toilet.
Hide your phone in your jacket, bra or even your nether zones and find your favourite crying cubicle (we all have one), and waste time to your hearts content. The genius of this method is, no one can say anything to you if you take too long. There will only be one of two answers; you have the runs, or you have lady issues. Both perfectly plausible excuses. Lady issues should always be the answer if your boss is a male. Watch them shift uncomfortably for a bit of light entertainment. A womb is amazing for growing a person, sure, but an excuse to get you out of things? I honestly can't decide which is more impressive.
7) The Final Resort
Sometimes, these tricks just aren't cutting it. Your work bestie is AWOL, you're sick of endless cups of tea, and the emails won't stop rolling in. You've had enough. Time to extort one of the government's greatest benefits - Sick Pay. Now let's not recommend we do this on a regular basis. We all have that one colleague that takes a Sick Day once a week and seems brazenly ambivalent to the consequences. And we salute them for that. Their nerves of steel should be studied by the elders.
We can't all be these fearless job hoppers; we need to earn that bread. However, we all take the odd cheeky Sick Day, let's not beat ourselves up. So, if you've really had enough and you want to call it quits, spend ten minutes in the toilet and come out with a worried expression, say you just aren't feeling right, and run into the sunset! Or, more realistically, an Uber home. Just remember to look washed out and sickly the next day for continuity reasons.
That's all! I hope these steps have helped you on your time-wasting journey. I only want the best for you girl. I have every hope that you'll spend most of your days grinding away to become the Baddest Boss Bitch around. Chase that ambition and work hard like the big scary CEO we all know you can be.
But just for that one day when you're feeling a bit too deep into your existential crisis, happy time wasting!
