How To Fail Your Driving Test in 7 Easy Steps

Yes, you read that right. If you're looking for an easy-to-follow guide on how to best pass your driving test, and come home with that red license in hand and a new lease of road-related freedom, then look no further!

Only joking, this isn't for you. This is a simple guide on how best to FAIL that test, so you can tell all your friends and family what a complete loser you are! Joking again. Only the best people fail their test, so let's not worry. Let's embrace our collective failures, it's character building, right?

1) The Theory Test Threshold

You're not sure how you've done it, but you've passed your theory test. That Hazard Perception test threw you off. There's nothing like watching robot cartoon sheep cross a road on your computer to brighten up your day. But you passed! It's in black and white on the page, and your one evening desperately revising the night before has paid off. Who says cramming doesn't work?! You leave the DVLA office with a sense of pride and superiority. Surely, you'll be the Stig on the road soon, nothing can stop you now.

There's nothing like a good success at the Theory Test to get you prepared for that Driving Test failure that's around the corner.

2) Wash Your Mouth Out

If you're anything like me, profanities seem to come part and parcel with a driving lesson. There's nothing like cursing a BMW that just cut you up the road, or giving the finger to someone driving at 30 down a 60 country lane. Swearing in a manner such as this is a fool-proof way to fail your test. I myself threw some colourful insults at a cyclist who brazenly claimed the road as their own. But seriously, they deserve it.

3) Need For Speed

I don't condone dangerous driving, OK. However, you could be the most measured and calm driver during your lessons, gliding along the road like an elegant Richard Hammond. There's just something about that test atmosphere, and that damn clipboard, that turns us into Lewis Hamilton. The rush of nerves forces us to slam onto the accelerate, jolting us forward like that one ride you were too scared to go on at Disney Land when you were 5. Ten points if you get the examiner to slam on the breaks. 15 points if they grab the wheel.

4) Nerves of Steel? Not So Much

Are you one of the unlucky many that completely quake in their boots whenever a big test is coming up? You were aiming for calm, collected, bad ass vibes. But instead, that lovely bead of sweat is no longer just a bead. A shimmery glow of nervous perspiration makes your face stand out like a boiled egg in the DVLA office. Nerves are terrible, and I'm sorry if you have fallen victim to its icy grasp. But hey, isn't Rescue Remedy a thing?

5) Manoeuvres For Losers

Eugh! We ALL hate them! You're desperately trying to remember which specific part of the door handle is your 'marker point' to see that damn curb in. It seems like it never appears when you're reversing at 0.00001 miles per hour. You revise you ass off, you YouTube how on Earth to do these seemingly impossible manoeuvres, everything you can think of! But, it's the day of your test and you've completely forgotten every single step. So, you go for it anyway. Surely, somehow, it will work itself out. Some mighty and godly presence in the sky may fix it all for you. But then you've backed into an already occupied car space and realise you've always been an Atheist anyway.

6) Dashed Hair Hopes

If you're anything like me, you've been planning your test outfit in advance. For some reason. Even though deep, deep down, you know it will not impact the results in ANY way shape or form, you do this anyway. It's always earrings and a ponytail. A classic. This most definitely will show the examiner you're checking your blinds spots as you emphasise the swish of your lovely long hair. But in reality, this doesn't do it my friends. In fact, it definitely doesn't do it when you forget to check your blind spots anyway. And if all else fails, we've all demeaned ourselves by wearing a short skirt and somehow hoping this helps. Just me? OK. I'm a bad feminist.

7) Driving You Crazy?

Okay, the real reason we fail. Simply, we can't drive. We're terrible. We've swerved into a different lane, you've no idea how the gearstick keeps getting stuck and don't even get us started on the complexity of roundabouts. The manoeuvres are like some magic you were nowhere near understanding or achieving. Stalling is so normal to you that you've started jolting in your sleep as you dream about it. Your driving instructor has shouted at you all the way home, or you've sat in stony silence in sheer embarrassment. It happens to the best of us.

But don't worry. We will get better. Let's muscle our way through a few more hours of lessons and eventually, I have every confidence that we will smash that driving test out of the park. Just keep going. But for those many people who have taken life's crushing yet somewhat amusing passage of a driving test failure, I hope you enjoyed. Safe driving!