Winter Woe By Me - How To Feel Sorry For Yourself This Winter

Yes, it's winter time. We're smack bang in the middle of it. We don't even have the luxury of half-heartedly saying 'it's nearly spring' because it isn't. We're stuck with winter for now. And unless you're one of those mythical beings who is a 'winter person', although I fail to believe you actually exist, you're probably desperately trying to remain positive until Springtime, a fake smile plastered on your face as you say 'the frost is beautiful this morning' even though you're secretly hating life, and in fact despise the frost and every intricate bastard snowflake.

So instead of writing about the wonderful positive sides of winter (and come on now, there definitely are a lot), this article appeals to those grumps who are just sick and tired of the cold. I'm here to fill a dark void, swooping in like the dark shadow in the shady corner of your mind where your moans live, to voice your negative winter blues. Sounds fun, right?

The Cozzy Livs Conundrum

The issue is so scary, we can't even say the name anymore, like Voldemort. 'Cost of Living Crisis' sounds too big, too colossal, to comprehend. Therefore, Cozzy Livs seems like an appropriately immature way to mentally deal with this subject. The non-wizarding world's version of He Who Must Not Be Named. The result of this is defiantly keeping your heating off for as long as your shivers will allow you. You feel sure you can survive the winter. You'll buy a bigger dressing gown perhaps, or add that extra blanket to your bed. Or maybe you'll thaw yourself a snowy burrow in the earth and see out the remainder of the long nights as a bear like human, only emerging to add items into your digestive tract.

You are in battle with yourself as you feel yourself reaching for the heating dial; your eyes distractedly wander to that lovely little radiator in every room. You want it so bad; you can't remember the touch of heat on your skin. But, we'll put it off another day. Heating is a luxury nowadays, only reserved for sultans and medieval kings who had wood fires on the go in every room. Who else is jel?

Hungry For More

No matter how much you seem to put down your gullet, there's something about the dark, cold nights that turns you into the monster from Spirited Away. All you want to do is eat. You get excited about going to sleep thinking about what else you can shove into your face the next morning. This extra food craving isn't the friend of the dieter, let me tell you. It gets so bad that you've made so many hot pots that you're now seeing them in your dreams (but who doesn’t love a hotpot?!). It seems the universe wants our bodies to be wrapped in even more blubber than we already have, as if that somehow magically will protect us from the bitter winds and icy storms. I suppose technically it will. The more insulation we can possibly fit into our system seems like the only thought on our one-track mind right now. We will descend into a hotpot-consuming pack of winter walruses; each laying around on top of each other, wobbling from side to side and irritably grunting into the cold wintry air. The same as any other night, right? At least the bigger we get, the warmer we are.

Time to love your rolls and double chin, they're your best friend right now (and always). On risk of being too hotpot heavy (unless this is the incredibly niche subject you hoped to find in this article), now is the time to be your own Nigella. Cook those steamy wintry dishes all day every day. It’s carvery and slow cooker season!

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

It’s another beautiful (dark) morning. You wake up and stretch your arms like a beautiful Disney princess, ready to ride your noble steed into the sunrise to conquer the day. But the alarm goes off at 7am, it's still the dark of night, and you’re absolutely freezing to add to the morning mix. Instead you roll over, press SNOOZE and wake up with a line of dribble down your determinedly un-Disneylike face. Getting dressed in the darkness is one of those awful yet (because of social convention) socially required tasks. At some point, you sit on your bed in your full dressing gown and slippers and stare at the wall in despair, hoping by some miracle some fairies may emerge to dress you. Yes, we’re all shivering and feeling sorry for ourselves on a working winter morning.

You drive to work in a never ending road of blackness, and it seems as if you're travelling to Mordor, or the depths of the deep underworld, with the never ending drivel from the radio presenters your sole form of comfort (torture). And there’s always that threat of your car breaking down from the wonderful snow, and isn’t that always fun?

That lovely Sun comes with all its Vitamin D and tanning promises. You stare at it, maybe through your office window and imagine twirling around in it, your Sound of Music like dress flapping behind you. But by the time the working day is done, the Sun has disappeared and left you adrift once again. The darkness is our only friend right now, and the summer fantasy has to wait another day. Don't worry, it'll come.

Tracksuit Terrors

The hoodies are everywhere, you can't escape them. W-ith those influencers sporting 'grunge' and 'athleisure' fashion, it seems like you can't remember a time when hoodies and track suits never existed. Perhaps they came before the dawn of man, when the dinosaurs still roamed. A fashion-forward Velociraptor in a Nasty Gal track suit. It could happen.

But you've had your fill. We've ALL had our fill of the grunge look during lockdown. It was fun then, when slobbing around and not moving in your comfies wasn't just a luxury. It was, in fact, a legal requirement. Now, you yearn to get dressed up, to go colourful, to splash some jewellery on your outfits. But no, the Hoodie Trend of Doom still haunts our every waking, chunky trainer steps. But hey, if you want to defy tradition and dress like it's summer, with everything on show, you go for it. You might be one toe less from frostbite, but that's a problem for another time. And hey, it's edgy? 

For those not so fashionably brave, let's continue our tracksuit and long coat journey until a new day comes when we can cast off such cumbersome garments. A not yet defined hoodie-less era that one day we shall step into in a beautiful fashion-related Renaissance. 

The No Money Honey

To really get the most out of feeling sorry for yourself this winter, and making sure others know it, is to really stress how in need you are of a Euro Millions cash pay-out. 'I'm so skint this month' is such an easy conversation starter to those colleagues you struggle to make chit chat with at work. Everyone is saying the same thing, like a chorus of never ending self-deprecation. It's not all bad, now is the time to easily get out of things. Really push the no money excuse. Someone asks you out on a Saturday night and there's that lounge-loving feeling that you just can't shake? You have no money! What a wonderful, yet equally depressing excuse. You've splashed all of your money on meaningless Boots Bath Sets for relatives at Christmas you don't 100% know. If you're like me, then you've also secretly bought yourself Christmas presents while shopping for others. Those Ugg Boots would totally suit you more than your sister, right?! It's 100% worth it. But you will be suffering the monetary pinch come January, and February...sigh.

Summer Holiday Blues

We've all seen those girls on Insta; the ones who takes pictures in their bikinis in the snow. It's an edgy pic, sure, but we stare in wonder at the image, wondering if they've done it for some kind of dare, or have been financial reimbursed to do it. Either way, you'd love to take a bikini pic. But not in the snow, definitely not! Now's the time to reminisce back to those summer days, like your holiday to Greece, or getting a gorgeous tan that you tried desperately to top up on a sun-bed the minute your plane landed.

It's the middle of winter, so the only alternative place to get some Sun right now is (quite literally) half way around the world. Hey, if you're desperate, go for it! Otherwise, time to hunker down with the rest of us with our pasty faces lacking Vitamin D, and grind out until the spring appears. I'd suggest some fake tan to cheer yourself up.

However, now’s the time to go and visit all of those wintry wonderlands on your bucket list, like Iceland! And hey, if you want something to do there, check out my article below on snorkeling through some tectonic plates!

So there you are! Some pointers on how best to really get the worst out of the winter days. Drive your friends, family and co-workers mad with your endless whingeing, moaning, and otherwise resting winter-bitch face. We're all in this together; this icy tundra of dashed hopes and darkened nights. Only kidding, it's just winter folks. Spring is just around the corner. I for one can't wait. But as we're all stuck with the climate for now, get out there and whinge your little heart out until you feel the relief you're after. 

So while winter can be a miserable time, let's not dwell on these hardships. Get out there and enjoy winter! It definitely has it's perks. But I hope, if you're feeling a bit frosty about the cold right now, this article has given you a bit of warming respite. Now go and roll around in the snow, or make a phallic-shaped snow sculpture. You know you want to!